A Very Modest Proposal

I was trawling through old pc files earlier and came upon a piece I'd written in Secondary School as a response to reading A Modest Proposal by Jonathan Swift. I though I'd post it here. As it was written in about year 11/12 it is very naive and not quite as well written as I maybe could do now, but still, I was young! I know it doesn't have anything to do with photography, but it's a start for all this creative blogging malarky. Ease myself in gently so to speak.

So yeh, here it is in all of its adolescent 'glory'.

Upon reading the proposal set forth by Mr Swift as to how overcrowding and famine in Ireland could be dealt with in an effective and prompt manner; and having witnessed the remarkable success and prosperity the nation received as a consequence of the implication of Mr Swift’s proposal, I have decided it is high time that a similar solution to the problem of overcrowding and debauchery present in modern day schools was put forward to try and counteract the effects these problems are inflicting upon our fine country and heritage.
To effectively eradicate the presence of sardine-can classrooms filled with sardine-brained children we must, like with any cancerous growth, remove the infected cells, swiftly and without hesitation, for to hesitate would be to allow the disease to spread and consume.
After reading local newspapers and various articles on the modern world it struck me that I could, in fact, kill two birds with one stone. With oil prices rising and supplies of coal and gas rapidly depleting it came to my attention that something must be done to rectify this predicament, it is with the solution to the problems faced in schools that the solution to fossil fuel supplies walks hand in hand. We can eliminate poor schools and unruly pupils, and in the same breath we can ensure the survival of our electricity-driven society.
I propose that to do this we establish a series of L.I.F.E. (Literacy, Intelligence and Faculty Exam) tests in all primary and secondary schools to ensure that children are maintaining a high standard of intellect throughout the school system. L.I.F.E tests will consist of several sections, each section testing a different aspect of a child’s intellect: there will be a section testing a child’s knowledge and understanding of the English language, one on mathematics and science, and several others testing valuable subjects of knowledge, including: history, politics, economics, geography, art history and engineering. Sports and religious studies will not be included in the L.I.F.E test, nor will they form a part of the school curriculum as it is single-handedly the result of these two subjects that violence exists within the modern society. Sports create rivalries between fellow countrymen which leads to much rioting and outbursts of violence, and religious practice gives rise to bloody warfare in the assumption that their deity will bestow upon the warmongers a righteous reward befitting the amount of blood shed. It must be noted that music will not be tested upon in the L.I.F.E examinations, however the study of this subject must be diligently enforced within schools, in particular the study of the denomination of Rock and Roll. This is due to the origin of this form of musical expression. Rock and Roll descended from the black slaves of Africa, and so represents their plight for freedom from their oppressors; therefore we should nurture this urge for freedom in our society today: our freedom will be gained only when we have broken free from the shackles of asininity and stepped forth into the new age of knowledge.
Those pupils that fall below the pre-set average will be deemed to be of an intolerably low aptitude and will therefore be removed from the school system to be further processed. The processing will occur in many Humanoid Energy Liberation Ltd complexes situated throughout the country where the inadequate students will be used as a substitute to fossil fuels in the furnaces of the H.E.L.L. Corporation where their academically inept bodies and minds will be used to drive the country forwards into a greater, more intellectually advanced future.
These H.E.L.L plants will be operated and maintained by members of the D.A.N.T.E (Denomination Against Non-Transcending Educates) circle and will be dispersed throughout seven H.E.L.L plants situated around the country. There will be a H.E.L.L processing plant in London, Glasgow, Cardiff, Dublin, Manchester, Newcastle and Southampton to ensure that there is a spread of plants scattered about the country so that no area will go without suitable processing; for we do not want there to be isolated pockets of mental insipidity, as this will lead to outbursts of triviality that will fair to further impact upon the country’s interests.


So there it is. My representation of the solution to the problem of unruly children in the classroom. It may not be the most elaborate or expensive scheme, but it is well thought out, rationalised and unique. It not only encompasses one problem, but also considers one that we have been facing for many years, and one that, if we did not act now, would potentially destroy the race of man in its entirety.